Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Lost My Glue -An excerpt from my journal in 2008

I have lept from a cliff or precipice, of my own devising to be sure, but a cliff none the less. I thought I had just jumped more than a scarce year ago, but I have to say it was a long time before that. As I experienced the act of falling I realized it is something I had no experience in and I got wrapped up in it. Embraced it and followed it right through to its terminus. The abrupt stop.

At first I thought it was inevitable that I just watch as I plunged deeper and deeper into the core. Most times I just mused that I was somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I have realized that by willing myself, I can turn this way and that. I have lost the glue that holds me to a set of rules and structure. In fact I am not falling at all but flying towards something extraordinarily bizarre and real.

At thirty two I was beyond any one persons help. I was smack dab in the middle of a crisis, too early to be midlife, and to late to be anything else. I lost in me the glue that holds me to a society that I was floundering in. At this moment I sit somewhere for no other purpose but to sit and muse and figure. It is a great and seemingly worthless way to spend time. Yet here I sit. Stuck with legs on both side of the fence trying desperately to find meaning in chicken bones, stars, and blades of grass.

Repetition and banality threatened to drive me mad with desperation. Menial, unending servitude to the here and now, the get and give, the stride and climb. The go, go, go.

I decidedly have flown the coupe. Left life behind and moved on to something different. So long crazy world, I said. Now, I have gone mad, and pirouetted into the grosses of states. I have traveled over twenty four thousand miles in the last year to find myself only accomplishing in creating a monster.

Sadly finding love again. I melted and realized that underneath the large iceberg of my outer trimmings was a hollow that stored the fragments of a puzzle that had been not, as of yet, fixed together. It was the swirling and trappings of what could be and unfortunately not what was. Terrible shock to find. Unbeknownst, to me I was a conflagration of nothingness and everything that I thought I should be and wasn't. I was unraveled. Though this unraveling made me into an eagle and I have since spread my wings and fly here and there at my whim.

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