Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Lost My Glue -An excerpt from my journal in 2008

I have lept from a cliff or precipice, of my own devising to be sure, but a cliff none the less. I thought I had just jumped more than a scarce year ago, but I have to say it was a long time before that. As I experienced the act of falling I realized it is something I had no experience in and I got wrapped up in it. Embraced it and followed it right through to its terminus. The abrupt stop.


At first I thought it was inevitable that I just watch as I plunged deeper and deeper into the core. Most times I just mused that I was somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. I have realized that by willing myself, I can turn this way and that. I have lost the glue that holds me to a set of rules and structure. In fact I am not falling at all but flying towards something extraordinarily bizarre and real.

At thirty two I was beyond any one persons help. I was smack dab in the middle of a crisis, too early to be midlife, and to late to be anything else. I lost in me the glue that holds me to a society that I was floundering in. At this moment I sit somewhere for no other purpose but to sit and muse and figure. It is a great and seemingly worthless way to spend time. Yet here I sit. Stuck with legs on both side of the fence trying desperately to find meaning in chicken bones, stars, and blades of grass.

Repetition and banality threatened to drive me mad with desperation. Menial, unending servitude to the here and now, the get and give, the stride and climb. The go, go, go.

I decidedly have flown the coupe. Left life behind and moved on to something different. So long crazy world, I said. Now, I have gone mad, and pirouetted into the grosses of states. I have traveled over twenty four thousand miles in the last year to find myself only accomplishing in creating a monster.

Sadly finding love again. I melted and realized that underneath the large iceberg of my outer trimmings was a hollow that stored the fragments of a puzzle that had been not, as of yet, fixed together. It was the swirling and trappings of what could be and unfortunately not what was. Terrible shock to find. Unbeknownst, to me I was a conflagration of nothingness and everything that I thought I should be and wasn't. I was unraveled. Though this unraveling made me into an eagle and I have since spread my wings and fly here and there at my whim.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Closed For Business

I can no longer handle the tidal wave of heart break
the bloated body washed up
the salty hurt

I apologize for those who may meet me later
I am a crushed can of misery
unrecyclable, useless

It would be nice if my heart was broken
It is not, it still goes, still hurts
it still loves

I figure I will stay quiet and low and soft
save the final beats
for me.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Jay-Z Poet

Had a dream I said, about who he said?
about B.I.G. I said, that's big he said
Dig what he said, proceed he said
Indeed I said, so - breathe I did
Don't repeat what I say I said, he said nothing
He agreed with his head, he just nodded like this
What I believe to be a yes I repeated what was said
It came to me like a well as even I said
"What's the deal, playboy?" was the greeting he said
First thing I wanted to know, what's the reason he was dead?
"More money -- more problems, better believe it," he said
"Careful what you wish for you might receive it," he said
I see I said, jealousy I said
Got the whole industry mad at me I said
Then B.I. said, "Hov' remind yourself
nobody built like you, you've designed yourself"
I agree I said, my one of a kind self
Get stoned every day like Jesus did
What he said, I said, has been said before
"Just keep doing your thing," he said, say no more

Keeps me going. No matter what, follow your dreams. - Travis

Saturday, January 2, 2010

The Soul Collector - Haiku

Oh how the lady

Moves through the open valley

Searching for lost souls

The souls are not there

They stay in the dark forests

Cowering in fear

When the moon rises

The souls gather thoughtfully

Moaning and dancing

The lady long searches

For souls who awake at night

While she lays asleep

The souls long for peace

Though they hide during the day

Fearful of the sun

Last Drink

He put down his glass and raised his legs four inches off the ground in front of the leather chair he sat in. His legs were pressed together tightly and his whole body went rigid with tension, pausing in mid-motion. His head tilted back and his eyes rolled towards the ceiling for a moment as if searching for strength or clarity. At once he slammed his feet back to earth with a shake that nearly upset the end table with the empty glass. His head came back down and with a sling like motion he propelled himself into the center of the living room. He had done it now and his forward hurl sped him hurriedly towards the mantle and the fireplace underneath. Oh the manic clipped steps of a tumbling terrestrial. His gaze fell upon the bottle that sat quietly and undisturbed on the mantle as he himself did a singular foxtrot or waltz moving one step backwards then forwards then two to the side and back again. With a sashay he cut the dastardly distance in half and in a slide and a skip he made a felonious foray and grasped the bottle with a loud bark and a sharp retort of his bowls. He had his prize but as his other hand reached searchingly for a perch on the mantle it was hard pressed to find a home. His momentum had carried and spun him like a slobbering yet nimble ballerina driving him like a drunk locomotive heading towards a bridge that has been torn down, the gully being the unsuspecting fire grate and the extra warm contents on the other side of it. Smash was the sound as he took the fireplace head on taking the gate with a swoop of his large arms. Whiskey bottle up, whiskey bottle down, whiskey bottle smashed all around. Cracked and angry the whiskey bottle sprayed its pressured contents towards the man and the already outraged fire and its protesting flames. Whoosh went the man; fizz went the bottle feeding the frenzy of the moment.

Here to No Where

Oh the wispy wind blows though me

Oh the darkness lolls me to sleep

Oh the times forget me

Oh the climb is savagely steep

Oh the stones on my frantic feet

Oh while I madly march on

Oh the sun harsh in the heavens

Oh the stars jeering judgments

A Moment With a Woman

A Woman

Like or unlike any other

A Thought

Lips pursed and feelings blocked

Her Fingers

Caressing the thought from her lips

The Sound

A silence exploding in a breath

Her Surroundings

Bleached white stark and pale

Her Action

Slow and painful bereft of indecision

Her Eyes

Focused, relaying no betrayal

Her Scream

Dies in her throat

The End

Released from her own bonds

A Woman

Like or unlike any other

Dirty Dreams

I lie down but do not close my eyes

God damn the pictures on the ceiling

Flashing by black and white and red

Closing my eyes will not stop them

Peace, but my heart thunders inside

A thousand explosions in my chest

I can’t shut down my breaking brain

Or close off the blood to my heart

Giving life to my unholy eardrums

And the sounds of screams and death

I am screaming too or maybe just

Trying to close my mouth I retch

At the sight of muzzle fire and flame

Bombs falling from a broken sky

I am here but tied to there so I

Tear off my clothes to stop the fire

And run across the ceiling punching

The walls, opening and closing drawers

This is my norm and closure as I sit

Sweat dripping from my nude body

As I stand at the precipice of madness

Closer than I have ever been

I lie down but do not close my eyes