I find the more I sit and wonder about the world, my roll in it, and what direction I am currently taking I have to answer some serious questions about myself. Questions I have tried hard not to look at or focus on for a long time. I often think that when the world views me, or when I view myself by using the world I live in as a standard, I feel, maybe wrongly, that the scope of such a review is too finite. It leads me, at this point in my life, to see myself as an apparition, or specter. That the world is too big for me even to matter at all. Call it egotism but I cannot even fathom that an idea like that could be correct. I know that taking my life in its current context would be limiting and I also believe that it is the whole of ones life that matters, not singular events.
I have always wondered what I would be when I grew to be an adult, both mentally and physically. What would give me joy, what sorrow I would have, and where I would find myself at the age I am now. I could never answer that question and I find that this may be true of many people. I think back to the experiences that I have had and wonder if I have been searching for some sign of my originality, finding who I am, or if I have been creating myself and this is the product of that venture; what I am. If this is true and we measure ourselves by the product or sum of all that we have done then I find it the greatest truth that by studying who I am I can find the good of myself, as it relates to what and where I want to be.
This is a complex and simple problem at the same time. The real problem is that I see this as the only valuable truth to exist in my life. The truth of knowing who and what I am, and in turn finding my own reality, is the greatest search I can bend my mind to. What complicates this is the different truths I have to live by. The truth of my surroundings, the truth of my society, the truth of my needs as a human. These things are all objective and are all realities created by outside forces.
To achieve my goal to study my personal truths I must first cut away outside influences provided ad hock by the world around me in order to glean the truth in me. Finding this truth is the only path towards finding fulfillment. Socrates rightfully said know thy self. Self awareness is the only key to unlock the mysteries of my own happiness and the path that will lead me to it.
In finding who I am I would then be able to control my own time and space. I would be able to differentiate between the shackles of the truth as seen by others and what I find to be true. My inner dominion would find peace knowing that every action and inaction is in line with my nature.
When looking at myself I would also find what my inner demons are. Inner demons are needed by the unfulfilled as a method to avert thought from our fears and true desires and the challenges they present in the outside world. They are excuses that I use to not break free of the mundane and constant and search for the unknown without fear.
Fear of failure is the single biggest obstacle on the path to self awareness and happiness. Though over time I have realized that failure is one of the greatest tools to finding those things. If I can overcome my fears and focus all of my efforts on my true desires I would find what I am, what I could be, and what I can do without. Life becomes limitless. It is by cutting through all limits placed on me and becoming less that I can become more. Surgically removing what is wrong in my life to focus on what is right. Not the social view of what is right and wrong, historically these are just habits formed over time, but the interpersonal view of right and wrong. With no standards set but the standards formed out of the depth of my own mind. Using the truth of my soul as a guide and rule book.
Only at the end can I see the whole. At that time if I have truly listened to the guidance of my personal nature and bared the soul of what I am then I can have lived without regret. I will have lived without shame, second guessing, or internal strife no matter where I end up. At this point that would be all I would hope for.