Thursday, February 26, 2009

Jumping off without knowing

It seems I have lept from a cliff or precipice, of my own devising to be sure, but a cliff none the less. What is odd is the timing of the jump. I thought I had just jumped more than a scarce year ago, but in a further study of honesty, I have to say it was a long time before that. As the experience of falling and realizing it is something I had no experience in, I decided to get wrapped up in it. To embrace it and follow it right through to its terminus. The abrupt stop. I am quite lost in the fall.
At first I thought it was inevitable that I just watch as I plunged deeper and deeper in to the core. Most times I just mused that I was somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. Though, I have realized that by willing myself, I can turn this way and that. I have lost the glue that holds me to a set of rules and structure. In fact I am not falling at all but flying towards something extraordinarily bizarre and real.
At thirty two I was beyond any one persons help. I was smack dab in the middle of a crisis, too early to be midlife, and to late to be anything else. I lost in me the glue that holds me to a society that I was floundering in. At this moment I sit somewhere for no other purpose but to sit and muse and figure. It is a great and seemingly worthless past time. Yet here I sit. Stuck with legs on both side of the fence trying desperately to find meaning in chicken bones, stars, and blades of grass.
Repetition and banality threatened to drive me mad with desperation. Menial, unending servitude to the here and now, the get and give, the stride and climb. The go, go, go. I have flown the coupe. Left life behind and moved on to something different. So long crazy world, I said. Now, I have gone mad, and pirouetted into the grosses of states. I have traveled over twenty four thousand miles in the last year to find myself only accomplishing in creating a monster. Sadly finding love again. I melted and realized that underneath the large iceberg of my outer trimmings was a hollow that stored the fragments of a puzzle that had been not, as of yet, fixed together. It was swirling and trappings of what could be and unfortunately not what was. Terrible shock to find. Unbeknown to me I was a conflagration of nothingness and everything that I thought I should be and wasn't. I was unraveled. Though this unraveling made me into an eagle and I spread my wings and fly here and there at my whim.

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